Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Compassion

In my last post, I spoke about sponsoring little Angel. Since then, I've been on the Compassion site nonstop, reading. I also discovered Our Compassion, which is a social media site for sponsors. I learned about correspondence children and prayer children. And now I have one of each.

Hadija is my correspondence girl. She has a financial sponsor, but I will be writing letters to her. I'm excited and I wrote my first letter today.

Tedi is my prayer child. Every day I check his page and pray for him to be sponsored. He looks so sweet and has the most striking eyes. So if you, or someone you know, feels led to sponsor, consider Tedi, here is his link. 

I've also signed up to be a prayer partner. It's something I do anyways, and Compassion International will provide a list of children/things to pray for.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

I knelt...

So on Wednesday I read Kelly's blog about her trip to Ecuador. I clicked over to browse the waiting kids. I've  done this before, but never really found one that spoke to me.

When I was three, my mom lost a baby. It was a boy and his name was Matthew. That's all I knew for many years. I didn't know his birthday. I was only 3 and I didn't remember much.

Recently, a woman in our church lost a baby at around 30 weeks. Mom was talking to this woman's husband and told him that she lost a boy at 19 weeks on December first and he would be twenty this year.

So I typed in 12/01 on the birthday search to see what would come up. Immediately my eyes were drawn to a little boy named Angel. He is 7 and lives in Ecuador. He had been waiting over 6 months. I felt like this was my kid. This was who I should sponsor.

So I put him on my Christmas list. I don't need anymore stuff. I have so much stuff. I clicked the "Sponsor this Child" button to see what the payment options were. I hit the back button, and it told me that this child had been chosen already. I was crushed. I may have cried. My husband pointed out that this was good for Angel. He had a sponsor. I understood that, and I was happy for him, but sad for me. I had wanted so badly to do that.

The next day, I ran the search again. Angel was back on. I texted my husband, hoping he would tell me to just do it. He didn't. So I emailed my mom Angel's page along with a little note about how this would be a great Christmas present. She was not on board. She said that it was a long commitment, and how much of the money would he get and all the usual doubts. I told her that I was going to do it with or without the Christmas gift. I felt like I was supposed to do this. (This was a little bit of a bluff. My husband was skeptical too and didn't think we should do it right now.) I emailed Mom several Compassion Blog posts, ones that answered most questions she'd asked me. (This was Thursday.)

Thursday night, I prayed. I knelt for the first time in my life to pray. We've just never done that in my family. But I was passionate about this. I wanted to focus. I prayed for God to open my parents' hearts. I prayed that if they wouldn't do it, my husband would open his heart to it.

The next day, (Friday) my mom said she'd talk to my dad. So I waited. I didn't bug them. I prayed a lot throughout the day. I looked at Angel's picture on the website frequently. I had asked that this be an early present, so that he wouldn't be gone by Christmas and so that he would learn about me in time for his birthday. That night, my former college roommate and good friend came to visit. She got in pretty late, so we ate dinner around 10pm. I had texted Mom once asking if she had talked to Dad, around 9pm. She had said, "Not yet".

At 10:53, on 11/11/11, I got a text from my mom that simply said "Yes."

Today I got to hit that "Sponsor a Child" button. I printed out the page with Angel's picture and information. It is my Christmas and birthday present. It is the best present ever. I can't wait to start writing letters.

As we left my parents' house, printout in hand, we saw the most beautiful full double rainbow. God is good. God has a plan.


(I later found out that if you hit the button, even if you don't complete the transaction, the child goes off the page for a little while. So it was my own fault I didn't think he was available anymore. Definitely a wake up call to get it done right away though.)

Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween!

What is it with my coworkers? I work in a small office off the side of the main building. There are 6 of us here, 2 in offices and the other 4 of us are at a large, 4 person divided desk. Like big table with dividers so it's almost a cubicle. Anyways, one coworker had his wisdom teeth out last friday. Today he is queasy and dizzy. Most likely it's from taking his pain pills on an empty stomach.

Strangely, I'm not as anxious as usual about it. No surge of adrenaline. No shaking. No racing thoughts.   

I know my anxiety is cyclical. I know this doesn't mean I'm cured. I'm just having a good day. It's nice to not feel like I'm crazy for a while.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Random thoughts

<p>Overheard coworker mention that her other kid is sick now. It's been a week sine the first one was sick. And then the second was ill the next day. So if the third is puking today, the bug has a much longer incubation period than I thought. And I haven't been all compulsive the last few days. But it occurred to me that there's nothing I can do right now. It's all in Gods hands. </p>

<p> In other news, friends and I went to the renaissance festival this weekend. Long drive. Little brother in the backseat. Little carsick prone brother. I slept the whole way up, but I was pretty anxious. And the drive back was kinda nerve-wracking too. As was the actual festival. People drink at ren fest. A lot. But I didn't see anything scary. And I was amazingly calm. But as we all know, the
emet comes and goes. </p>

<p>Every Sunday, on the way home from church, my husband and I drive past this huge historical mansion. It's for sale. We finally called to ask about the price. It's been empty for at least 10 years. The first floor is probably flooded. The roof probably leaks. Animals have probably been living in it. We figured it wouldn't be too expensive to buy, but it would be expensive to make habitable. The person at the bank said $35,000. That sounded possible. So we stopped and walked around the outside and completely fell in love. Went home and googled. The online listing had beautiful pictures. 5 bedrooms. 7 baths. 7 fireplaces. A 50 person dining room. The smallest bedroom is 150 square feet. I was having daydreams about all the children I could foster and/or adopt with a house this size. It's on over an acre of land and I was envisioning kids running all over that with a big dog bounding around too. And maybe a pony. </p>

<p> However, the bank must have been talking about a different house, as the online listing was $1.2 million and the realtor confirmed that as the correct price. We're still going to go look at it.
</p>

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The dreaded sick coworker

It starts with, "Little Jack woke up at 5 and threw up."
Then, "Well now Payton's sick."
And finally, "It's all I can do not to throw up."

So why wouldn't you take the day and not expose your coworkers?

My germ-x is getting a work out today.

Its been half an hour and my hands are already dry.

Only six and a half more hours to go.

But that's only at work. Once I go home, I still get to worry that I've been exposed and it's only a matter of time until I feel ill.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Today was not a good day.

To start:
A silverfish fell on me this morning. 

For the second week in a row, no one came to our Sunday School class. 

My pearl bracelet that Husband gave me for my birthday broke while we waited for people to show up. 

On our way home from church we passed what appeared to be a very serious motorcycle accident. We saw two people lying on the road. Moving- not dead or anything, but very upsetting. 

My mom and I got into a fight. Her BFFs daughter is getting married and having one of those super special snowflake weddings. I am not a fan because I think that weddings are silly and unimportant. Marriage is what you should be caring about. And you won't remember anything from your wedding anyways. If someone wears blue jeans you won't notice. So anyways mom spent all yesterday making stuff for the wedding. I was forced to invite BFF's 2 daughters and dates to my wedding because BFF would be hurt otherwise. I was not invited to this wedding. But I was invited to a bachelorette party. A "special toy" kind of party. On Facebook. Where the bride said that she appreciates her friend's doing this because "it's been a looooong 5 months". This is not making sense. I apologize. Suffice it to say, my feelings were hurt and my mom was making 90 cake balls for this wedding. 

Then a bird flew into the window. And looked dead. But not quite. Which meant someone would have to put it out of it's misery so ants wouldn't eat it. And I was upset because of all of the above. And I didn't want the bird to die. Even though I really don't like birds. They poop on my car. So Husband said to give it a little while to make sure it wasn't just stunned. It got up, then fell over. Not good. We gave it some more time, warned everyone not to let the dog out, and watched. It sat up for a while, but didn't move. We went upstairs to get stuff, came back down and it had moved! It hopped behind a flower pot, and I went outside to check on it. And it flew away. 

Tomorrow will be better. 

Saturday, September 17, 2011

ADD post

I just commented on an emet blog where the captcha to make sure I was a real person read "sicknest".

The other day, my husband woke up in the middle of the night, and his tossing and turning woke me up. I haven't the faintest idea why, but I suddenly felt super queasy. I got up and got myself a cool compress and turned on an audio book and managed to fall back asleep. but I was so freaked out for a while. I haven't felt that bad in a long time.

I've also discovered recently that I get motion sick more easily if I'm hungry. But it's a vicious cycle because half the time I'm on my way to a restaurant. Usually some Coke makes me feel better. and bread if they have any.

Lately I've been getting really bad headaches along with a queasy feeling when I'm carsick. this is not helpful. I've had to get inside and just lie down for 30 minutes to feel better. I'm not a fan.

I was talking with my husband the other night about food. I'm surprisingly adventurous with food for an emet. I've eaten sushi. (never raw, but still.) I eat out a lot. I ate a ton of weird things in Hawaii. (Greek food made by an Asian couple. it was pretty good and I didn't die. or get sick.)

I've been getting better about watching people get sick on TV. yeah, it's gross, but my heart rate doesn't jump like it used to.

I signed up for an Emet study. link to check it out.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Odds n' ends

So I went to the local waterpark with my grandma, brother and husband. Befor we left, grandma askes if I have dramamine. Then she finds hers and pops two. I'm confused. The water park is 10 minutes away, and she was driving. Turns out, the lazy river makes her seasick. So I start to get anxious. And then I end up worrying about it the whole time. That could have been more fun.

Husband and I got a fish. We named him Swarley. 

Husband and I have been asked to teach a college aged sunday school class. Anyone know a good curriculum? I'm finding a bunch for teens, and a bunch for baptists, but those aren't working so great for me. (I'm presbyterian. And I refuse to tell a 19 y/o college student to only date in order to find a spouse. That's stupid. They're too young to worry about that. I could do a whole post instead of just a parenthetical. Maybe later.)

Ok. That's all I have for today. I apologize for not being as funny as I like to be. 


Friday, August 5, 2011

Bad blogger

I'm a bad blogger. Apparently, someone found my blog by looking for Betta Poop. That fish actually died like, six months ago. I'm thinking about getting a new one though. My husband said it was ok.

Yeah. I got married. 72 days ago.


And I love it. I love him.




He's good for my phobia too. The night before his big physical exam for the police job application, he felt really sick. Because that happens sometimes when he's really nervous. I was also sick at the time. (Infection, and then an allergic reaction to the antibiotic. Which presented as a high fever so I didn't realize for three days.)

Anyways, he felt sick and I brought him tums and sprite and a cool cloth. I also didn't make him sleep on the couch.

Then, maybe a week ago, I was super tired so I fell asleep early. I woke up when he came to bed and he told me that he didn't feel good and yes, it was his stomach. Actually, he had already thrown up while I was asleep.

Cue panic.

But I found him the tums- he hadn't known where they were- and I popped a xanax, and went back to sleep. I didn't panic too much, and again, I didn't make him sleep on the couch. I even kissed him, once he assured me that he felt better and was not contagious. (Plus, let's face it, I had already been exposed even if he was contagious.)

I said "In sickness and in health" and I meant it. I remember that I love him and I want to make him feel better before I feel afraid. Even once I start to panic a bit, he looks so pathetic and sad that I want to take care of him and not run away.

I hope it will work that way for children too. Because I really want a baby. And I want tons of foster kids. I day dream about how I will give them each a little B@by be blessed lion or bear with bible verses about how much God loves them. And about the photo albums I will send them home with. But we've only been married for 72 days. Plus there's nowhere to put a baby in our apartment. Which is why we're getting a fish.

Friday, April 8, 2011

<Mobile blog>

So i'm all fancy now with my smartphone and my mobile blogging. Maybe I'll post more often now.

Here's a good one. Last night, I woke up having a panic attack. Stupid bad dreams. I don't have nightmares often, but the ones I remember are almost always about vomit. And last night's was bad. I don't remember much about it other than the waking up panicked. I put on the relaxation audio that came in my fancy recovery system that I still haven't finished, and it really helped. I went back to sleep just fine.

I'm starting back on my lexapro today. My anxiety has been worsening since I stopped taking it. Also the insurence finally got worked out. I'm going to try taking it every other day because the side effects aren't so great. (Not queasy or anything, but that super fun common one for anti-depressents that I don’t want to elaborate about on the internet.)

Wedding planning is almost all done. Only 43 more days! (I have a super fun countdown on my fancy new phone.)

Fancy new phone is the R2D2 droid. I love it so much. I am such a nerd. I might have also registered for some other super nerdy Star Wars household items. (Hello, R2 peppermill. Oh light sabre chopsticks, how I covet thee.)

And if I knew how to use this phone yet I would link you to those products so that you can experience the nerdy joy. But you will have to google them. (Pro-tip: thinkgeek.com.)

Also I got the most awesome bible app. It's called YouVersion and is awesome. (Awesome app is awesome. And free too.)

And angry birds is the best game ever.

</mobile blog>

Friday, January 7, 2011

Kids and Me

So, I've started nanny-ing. For three kids. 7, 4 & 2.5. Their mom is 15 weeks pregnant. And says that she has been so sick with this pregnancy. But I've been surprisingly good about it. My anxiety doesn't even shoot up when she says anything. Normally, even if it's not contagious, I freak out. So this is awesome.

also the 2.5 y/o frequently says, "I sick." when he doesn't want to do anything. Luckily he says it so cutely and without the slightest bit of sincerity that I don't bother worrying. Which is again, out of character for my and my phobia.

Could I be growing out of this?

They also have two adorable cats. Being a nanny is turning out to be kinda cool.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Emetophobia and the Doctor's Office

Going to the doctor sucks. I'm always convinced that if I wasn't sick before, I will be after being in the waiting room.

So today, my mom INSISTED that I go see a doctor. Because yesterday I had a really sore throat and didn't sleep that night because of the ouchie.

And I've had the crud that just drags on for about two weeks.

But I haven't had a fever, and I've mostly not felt sick. But I felt sick yesterday. So today, mom forced me to see a doctor.

Now, this is actually a funny story.

I get there, ( I went to the clinic at a grocery/superstore because I don't have a regular doctor because our insurance just changed.) and I sign in and take a seat. There was a woman sitting and talking with the receptionist/nurse. A few minutes later she was joined by what looked like her mother and teen-aged daughter. Daughter looked sick. Grandmother was holding a bucket.

They come to the benches to sit down. I panic. Grandmother notices me sitting and sits Girl-with-a-bucket as far away as possible from me. Which I GREATLY appreciated. Mother didn't look too thrilled about sitting near me, so I assured her that I just have allergies.

But honestly, Girl-with-a-bucket was still too close for comfort. Imagine two average park benches side-by-side. I was on one end and Girl-with-a-bucket was on the other end. Yes, that's keeping her out of my bubble, but still too close if something were to happen. However, I thought it would be rude to just get up and move. (Don't ask me why I actually cared about that. Blame my grandmother and her Southern Belle Handbook.)

But Receptionist/Nurse was ready for me! I could move! she asked me for my driver's licence and insurance card. Remember the bit about new insurance? I didn't have the insurance card. Because we still only have one. And of course Mom had it. So she told me to come back when I had it.

So joy! I could wander away from the benches and Girl-with-a-bucket! I wandered far, far away.

When I wandered back, Girl-with-a-bucket was gone. But someone with a hacking cough was sitting where I had been. So maximum distance from Hacking Cough was right where Girl-with-a-bucket had been sitting.

Yeah, not happening.

I found another bench around the corner. It would have been too close to girl-with-bucket, simply for auditory/visual exposure reasons, but it was perfect for not touching the bench she had been sitting on. And being far away from Hacking Cough.

So I read my book. Mom finally got there and I had my pulse checked with a finger thing, sanitized my hands, (because I had not seen her wipe down finger-pulse-checker.) and went into the exam room.

The same exam room I had seen Girl-with-a-bucket go into.

I asked Nurse/Receptionist if the room had been wiped down. She said yes. And that two other people had come through there. (I now realize that only Receptionist/Nurse and the doctor were even working there. The paper on the table had been changed. I highly doubt anything else had been done.)

I cooled my heels in there for a bit and didn't touch anything. Especially my face, nose and eyes.

I finally went to a different room to see the doctor. (Couldn't they have the doctor switch rooms instead of the patient? That would cut down on about half of the possible exposure.) She asked what was wrong. I really had no good answer. My mom MADE me go.

She checks my throat and proclaimed that I had "globs of post-nasal drip pouring down my throat". Mmm. Wonderful imagery.

She told me that there's really nothing wrong with me except the mucus. She asked how I felt about daily nose sprays. I don't like steroids and I told her that most likely I wouldn't use it. I've had that before and I was not a fan. So she suggested cough syrup. I asked if I could get a pill form because I don't do liquid meds.

She seemed pretty exasperated. So I explained a tiny bit about the emetophobia. And the anxiety. And how Girl-with-a-bucket had really freaked me out.

She thought I was nuts.

She didn't say so, but I could tell.

She gave me a prescription for an anti-histamine and something else. She told me that she gives it to kids all the time.

She also to me that Girl-with-a-bucket didn't puke while she was there.

Then, since Mom thought I was sick because I didn't get a flu shot, I asked if it had anything to do with that.

She said it didn't, but why didn't I get a flu shot?

And I managed to explain that one. But she still thought I was crazy.

This is why I don't go to the doctor. I end up looking crazy.

But the pills made the snot stop running, excuse me, pouring, down my throat.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

emetophobia survey


1. Does your family know of your Emetophobia? Yes, and I think they finally understand.

2. Do your friends know of your Emetophobia? Some. All of my close ones know.

3. Would you tell a stranger that you have Emetophobia? I have on occasion. When they needed to know that I would not be ok if someone was sick,

4. If you are currently in a relationship, how long did wait to tell your partner? Not long. Probably the first time he felt sick around me. He's so great about it now.

5. Are you scared to have kids? Yes, but I'm not going to let it stop me.

6. If you are a mom who suffers from Emetophobia, how do you deal with the struggles of your kids being sick? Not applicable yet, but my fiance says he will take care of them.

7. What age did you discover that you had a problem? Well, I only put a name on it two years ago. But I remember freaking out as early as elementary school. So that's about 15 years.

8. What type of methods have you tried to reach recovery? 10mg/day Lexapro, talk therapy, and I'm working on the Emetophobia Recovery System. Also Xanax as needed.

9. When was the last time you have thrown up and why? The last time I actually threw up was probably about ten years ago. I believe it was carsickness. About three years ago, I had an incident where I dry heaved. I'm pretty sure that was from antibiotics and an empty stomach.

10. When was the last time you saw someone else throw up? Last December. I didn't see it, but he ran into the bathroom and left the door open so I could hear everything.
I think it's a really good thing that this is seriously the last one I remember.

11. What type of foods do you avoid? Very few actually. I don't drink milk anymore because it makes my stomach hurt, and I don't really like most seafood. I always overcook chicken, and I always check it compulsively when someone else cooks it. I also won't eat any casseroles or things that resemble vomit.

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