Thursday, October 29, 2009

any ideas?

I have a tendency towards passive-aggression. Or so I thought. When I had terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, roommates, I would leave little notes around the apartment asking them to "please lock the door! : )" and eventually, "LOCK THE F***ING DOOR!!!" I left many of those painfully polite notes over the semester. Notes that eventually degraded into not-so-polite notes and then yelling. However, usually I would ask the roommates to stop (using my dishes), or start (closing the front door when they left) doing something first. I tried to talk to them first, but I didn't see them much. Anyways I was not completely blameless in the hellhole that was that living arrangement. I'm sure my notes infuriated them. (However their not locking the door infuriated me, and was unsafe. and don't get me started on the threats, theft, and general harassment.)

But I’m trying really hard to forgive them. (It’s not going so great. I’ve gotten to where I no longer wish misfortune, misery and STDs on them so progress is being made, but I’m not quite there yet. We're praying for that.) Anyways since I am aiming for forgiveness, I don't want to rehash all the crap they put me through. The point is I thought I was rather passive aggressive. Turns out I’m not. Not even close. If they were loud when I was trying to sleep, I’d go ask them politely the first time and then not so politely the following three times.

Now I’m living with a girl who doesn't like me and I don't know why. One day I logged onto my Facebook to find this "[Abby’s roommate] thinks it's funny how inconsiderate some people can be...especially when others are trying to sleep 'cause they hv an 8am class the next day >:l" I was baffled. I knew it had to be about me, because where else is she trying to sleep? But, where was the request for quiet? At no point during the previous night had she even spoken to me or our other roommate Spencer. Once she came out of her room and flung some silverware into the sink and slammed her bedroom door. However since she is always slamming doors, I don't think much of it. If she seems upset, I ask her about it, but rarely do I get an answer. And I’m not one to push. But this status update upset me. Not so much being referred to as inconsiderate (although that was upsetting), but that my roommate doesn't feel like she can ask us to be quiet. And the fact that she posted it on her Facebook. It is unnecessary to bring other people into it like that. All it does is add to the drama and bullshit. And I hate drama and bullshit. (Ahem, I do realize that I am posting this on the internet. However very few people in my real life have the link to this blog. I am asking strangers for advice, not bitching. I hope.)

I was also upset because so far, every friendly overture I have made has been rejected. I know she is new in our apartment, I know that Spencer and I have many inside jokes after being roommates for so long, but we will always explain an inside joke. And we keep trying to reach out. It’s been two months and nothing. And she's completely stopped talking to us unless absolutely necessary. I wish I knew what was wrong. I hope she doesn't feel like I did last year. I don't know what to do anymore. I spend a lot of time in our living room and whenever I see her, I say hi or bye depending on which way she is heading. She used to answer, but lately she has stopped.

And I still don't know what I did. I refrained from posting a rebuttal on Facebook. (I wrote a wonderful one though.) It just plain hurts my feelings. Trying so hard to be a friend and just getting shot down over and over hurts. And it makes me angry. As far as I know I haven’t done anything wrong. And if she won’t tell me what I’m doing that’s offending her so much, I can’t even try to fix it. And since unfortunately, I’m not a mind reader, there’s nothing I can do. I can try talking to her, but she hides in her bedroom all the time. So if she won’t talk to me, I feel that it’s her own fault that she’s miserable. And I get angry at her for being so bitchy and posting pissy little passive aggressive status updates on Facebook. I also am starting to resent her for upsetting what was finally a happy environment. And that just adds to the anger. It’s a vicious cycle.

But at the same time, I hate that she probably feels similar to how I did last year with Bitchy and Blondie. I hate myself for possibly making someone feel as awful as I did. But I also know that I am generally a nice person, and I have been trying extra hard to make her feel comfortable and included here. And this whole self-loathing makes me resent her for making me feel bad about myself when I’m pretty sure I haven’t done anything. Again with the vicious cycle.

I’m trying to be aggressively nice. That’s been my latest strategy. No matter how hurt, angry and resentful I feel, I always give her a warm smile and say hi when I see her. It’s not working. I’m considering adding a “how are you today?” with just a little bit ‘o’ perk. Which is very unlike me. I hate perky people. Except with every non-answer, I feel a little more discouraged. Every slammed door is jarring. Every glare makes it harder to smile. And every day I wonder, “What have I done to make her feel this way towards me? And how can I make it stop?”

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