Thursday, October 29, 2009
But I’m trying really hard to forgive them. (It’s not going so great. I’ve gotten to where I no longer wish misfortune, misery and STDs on them so progress is being made, but I’m not quite there yet. We're praying for that.) Anyways since I am aiming for forgiveness, I don't want to rehash all the crap they put me through. The point is I thought I was rather passive aggressive. Turns out I’m not. Not even close. If they were loud when I was trying to sleep, I’d go ask them politely the first time and then not so politely the following three times.
Now I’m living with a girl who doesn't like me and I don't know why. One day I logged onto my Facebook to find this "[Abby’s roommate] thinks it's funny how inconsiderate some people can be...especially when others are trying to sleep 'cause they hv an 8am class the next day >:l" I was baffled. I knew it had to be about me, because where else is she trying to sleep? But, where was the request for quiet? At no point during the previous night had she even spoken to me or our other roommate Spencer. Once she came out of her room and flung some silverware into the sink and slammed her bedroom door. However since she is always slamming doors, I don't think much of it. If she seems upset, I ask her about it, but rarely do I get an answer. And I’m not one to push. But this status update upset me. Not so much being referred to as inconsiderate (although that was upsetting), but that my roommate doesn't feel like she can ask us to be quiet. And the fact that she posted it on her Facebook. It is unnecessary to bring other people into it like that. All it does is add to the drama and bullshit. And I hate drama and bullshit. (Ahem, I do realize that I am posting this on the internet. However very few people in my real life have the link to this blog. I am asking strangers for advice, not bitching. I hope.)
I was also upset because so far, every friendly overture I have made has been rejected. I know she is new in our apartment, I know that Spencer and I have many inside jokes after being roommates for so long, but we will always explain an inside joke. And we keep trying to reach out. It’s been two months and nothing. And she's completely stopped talking to us unless absolutely necessary. I wish I knew what was wrong. I hope she doesn't feel like I did last year. I don't know what to do anymore. I spend a lot of time in our living room and whenever I see her, I say hi or bye depending on which way she is heading. She used to answer, but lately she has stopped.
And I still don't know what I did. I refrained from posting a rebuttal on Facebook. (I wrote a wonderful one though.) It just plain hurts my feelings. Trying so hard to be a friend and just getting shot down over and over hurts. And it makes me angry. As far as I know I haven’t done anything wrong. And if she won’t tell me what I’m doing that’s offending her so much, I can’t even try to fix it. And since unfortunately, I’m not a mind reader, there’s nothing I can do. I can try talking to her, but she hides in her bedroom all the time. So if she won’t talk to me, I feel that it’s her own fault that she’s miserable. And I get angry at her for being so bitchy and posting pissy little passive aggressive status updates on Facebook. I also am starting to resent her for upsetting what was finally a happy environment. And that just adds to the anger. It’s a vicious cycle.
But at the same time, I hate that she probably feels similar to how I did last year with Bitchy and Blondie. I hate myself for possibly making someone feel as awful as I did. But I also know that I am generally a nice person, and I have been trying extra hard to make her feel comfortable and included here. And this whole self-loathing makes me resent her for making me feel bad about myself when I’m pretty sure I haven’t done anything. Again with the vicious cycle.
I’m trying to be aggressively nice. That’s been my latest strategy. No matter how hurt, angry and resentful I feel, I always give her a warm smile and say hi when I see her. It’s not working. I’m considering adding a “how are you today?” with just a little bit ‘o’ perk. Which is very unlike me. I hate perky people. Except with every non-answer, I feel a little more discouraged. Every slammed door is jarring. Every glare makes it harder to smile. And every day I wonder, “What have I done to make her feel this way towards me? And how can I make it stop?”
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
So today I added a bunch of links to my blog sidebar. Hopefully, these are links that you will like. One link allows you to donate money to charity as you search. Or shop. Link through their site and go to Amazon or Target or wherever you like to shop online and a percentage of what you spend is donated to the charity chosen. (They also have coupons for using on these websites. so not only do you save money, you help out a cause.) If you use my link, money will go to a camp for children with cancer. (I've mentioned this camp in several other posts) The cost of sending one child to camp runs at about $500, but thanks to donations and grants, children are able to go for just $50. And if a family is unable to afford that, there are scholarships. So this is a really good cause and a personal favorite of mine. Next links down are the "Click to Give" links. You can go click everyday and sponsors pay for things. They also have some pretty awesome shopping, and of course the proceeds go to helping that cause. Next up is a game! FreeRice is a simple flash trivia game and for every answer you get right, they donate 10 grains of rice to hungry people. They also have links to poverty.com. And here's another thing you can do to help people (although this one does require getting off the computer) go here, read about the goals the UN has set to help poverty and then print this to send to President Obama to remind him about the pledge the USA made back in 2002 to give 0.7% of the country's income to help fight poverty. The pledge that we are not even close to meeting 7 years later. Currently, the US is only giving 0.18%. Again, print this and mail it to President Obama. (If you're in another country, click here to find the applicable letter to your government.) Lastly, I’ve added ads to my blog. If I ever make any money from them, it will go to The Rainbow Connection. So let’s all SHARE SOME LOVE!
Monday, October 19, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I gave blood today. For the first time. And it was not fun.
First, the anxiety build-up. "Is it going to hurt?" (Yes), "Will it take long?" (Yes, but remember-you're saving a life!)
Then the questions. "Do you have an STD?" (No) "Have you participated in sexual activity with someone who may have an STD?" (No) "Are you donating blood to find out if you have HIV or AIDs?" (Holy fuck what sicko does that! they have free STD tests right now in that other building!) Or (no) "hey look that way." (Oww! stop poking me you sadist!)
Apparently my finger stick deems that I am worthy. They give me a snack and tell me to wait. I always thought you got cookies AFTER, but apparently it's more effective to do it before. So I sit. And eat my granola bar. (No cookies) and drink my tiny water bottle. And the anxiety mounts. Why, why, why do they ask all these questions and then make you wait? The suspense is killing me. And my finger hurts.
They call my name. Ask if the phlebotomist in training can stick me. (Umm...no I want the person who's been doing it for 40 years!) They wrap the tubing around my arm. It hurts. They find a flat band that still hurts. The phlebotomist looks nervous; she keeps rubbing my arm to make the veins stand out. I get more panicky. She ends up using a blood pressure cuff. But she tells me to squeeze the squeezy thing and still looks worried.
Eventually she swaps my arm with alcohol, and tells me to look away. I grab for my book (Little Women) and try to focus on Jo and Beth at the seaside. Now, if you've read the book, you know this is not a particularly happy scene. Nor was it sufficiently distracting.
In goes the needle, out comes the blood, and I pride myself on not fainting. I squeeze the red squeezy thing every few seconds and think, this isn't too bad. I’m having a panic attack and I’m crying, but it doesn't actually hurt that much. And except for my arm going numb, I feel ok. I go back to my book and try to focus on Amy and Laurie's adventures abroad. I still can't focus. I start chatting with one of the phlebotomists, telling her this is the first time I’ve met the weight requirement, and I tell her about my camp, and the kids are my inspiration, she is distracted because she has to check on other victims, but the point is I remind myself why I thought this was a good idea. Save a life, help people, it's for the kids.
I ask how much longer and they tell me I am almost halfway there. I try to focus on my book. One of the tubes moves and I feel the warm rubber against my hand. Eww. There’s blood in there. I start feeling a little woozy. I tell them and they tell me I am almost done. I ask if I can be done now. They stall and wait for me to actually be done. Jerks. They rotate the chair so I can recline and put ice on my neck and chest. Still feeling like I’m going to pass out, I notice they give me a blue bandage. Dammit, I wanted pink.
However I’m a little afraid to open my mouth because I feel nauseous. And still kinda like I want to pass out. Yes, yes in through the nose, out through the mouth, why can't I close my eyes, I don't feel good! They give me Gatorade and fan me even though I am freezing and shivering. Apparently my color was bad. Apparently fanning the cold person helps. The woozy feeling passes, I finish my Gatorade, and ask if I’m finished.
No. they want me to sit a bit longer. Ok. Fine. EWW why are earth are they showing the travel channel? That guy is making BLOOD PUDDING! Someone has a very sick sense of humor. Now I really want to go. They make me get up very slowly and then tell me to sit down for at least 5 min. so I go sit. Away from all the blood. Most of the people near me are innocently waiting for their torture. They have no idea. I chat about the recent chemistry quiz with a classmate while she finishes her water and granola. Then I realize no one is looking and I can leave.
So I drive over to the other building and sign up for the marrow registry. I’m a little apprehensive; will I have more blood drawn? Will they let me? But it was just a cheek swab. Totally harmless. The guy at the table is impressed that I’ve done my research. He doesn't have to pitch it to me. I’m all ready. By this point I feel fine despite my recent blood loss and am proud of the bright blue bandage that lets everyone know that I donated blood. And now I get a sticker? Awesome. Now everyone knows that I gave blood AND signed up for the marrow registry.
Was it worth it? Well, if that hard won bag 'o blood goes on to save someone, totally. Will I ever do it again? If they let me take my Xanax first next time. And give me cookies. And a pink bandage.
Four of my first ever campers, all grown up.
Photo not by me- this was taken by our camp photographer