Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Ummmm.....hi?

It has been awhile. Mostly because I've been doing really, really well. I signed up for this study, so I've been getting treatment for the emet. And it's working! It helps that I have few underlying conditions. (According to my study therapist, just clinical depression, sub-clinical OCD, and sub-clinical hypochondria.) It also helps that I really want to be cured. I find myself getting impatient with my support group when I see people enabling themselves and feeding their phobias. Or when I see people who think that if they can just avoid it forever, they will be cured. I don't think a norovirus vaccine will help anyone panic less. I think the anxiety will just shift. Or there's always the fact that a vaccine will not guarantee 100% protection. So even if you get it, you still won't be "safe". Back when I thought influenza was the same as noro, I didn't get the vaccine because I was afraid it would make me sick. (I still don't get the flu shot. I've never had the flu.) So I really don't think a noro vax will help ease the fear for an emet.

I also read a wonderful post on Anna Christie's blog about not avoiding. She said that if you seek reassurance that you won't be sick, you feed the fear. What you should do is get your person that you seek reassurance from to tell you that you might get sick. But you will be ok. That has been so helpful over the months.

Back in January, I got carsick. I threw up for the first time in recent memory. And I didn't die. (That's what I kept saying to my husband afterward.) It was surprisingly not awful. Not pleasant by any stretch of the imagination, but not awful. And, well, I know it seems weird to say it, but I feel like God had been slowly prepping me. A few weeks before, my husband threw up at his friends house and I left before it happened. Then he threw up at our place, but he told me it was going to happen and I was far enough away for my comfort. Still anxious, but not too bad.

I've gotten so much better that I stopped taking my lexapro. And I can't remember the last time I took a xanax. And I'm only on week three of twelve of the study. 

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Compassion

In my last post, I spoke about sponsoring little Angel. Since then, I've been on the Compassion site nonstop, reading. I also discovered Our Compassion, which is a social media site for sponsors. I learned about correspondence children and prayer children. And now I have one of each.

Hadija is my correspondence girl. She has a financial sponsor, but I will be writing letters to her. I'm excited and I wrote my first letter today.

Tedi is my prayer child. Every day I check his page and pray for him to be sponsored. He looks so sweet and has the most striking eyes. So if you, or someone you know, feels led to sponsor, consider Tedi, here is his link. 

I've also signed up to be a prayer partner. It's something I do anyways, and Compassion International will provide a list of children/things to pray for.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

I knelt...

So on Wednesday I read Kelly's blog about her trip to Ecuador. I clicked over to browse the waiting kids. I've  done this before, but never really found one that spoke to me.

When I was three, my mom lost a baby. It was a boy and his name was Matthew. That's all I knew for many years. I didn't know his birthday. I was only 3 and I didn't remember much.

Recently, a woman in our church lost a baby at around 30 weeks. Mom was talking to this woman's husband and told him that she lost a boy at 19 weeks on December first and he would be twenty this year.

So I typed in 12/01 on the birthday search to see what would come up. Immediately my eyes were drawn to a little boy named Angel. He is 7 and lives in Ecuador. He had been waiting over 6 months. I felt like this was my kid. This was who I should sponsor.

So I put him on my Christmas list. I don't need anymore stuff. I have so much stuff. I clicked the "Sponsor this Child" button to see what the payment options were. I hit the back button, and it told me that this child had been chosen already. I was crushed. I may have cried. My husband pointed out that this was good for Angel. He had a sponsor. I understood that, and I was happy for him, but sad for me. I had wanted so badly to do that.

The next day, I ran the search again. Angel was back on. I texted my husband, hoping he would tell me to just do it. He didn't. So I emailed my mom Angel's page along with a little note about how this would be a great Christmas present. She was not on board. She said that it was a long commitment, and how much of the money would he get and all the usual doubts. I told her that I was going to do it with or without the Christmas gift. I felt like I was supposed to do this. (This was a little bit of a bluff. My husband was skeptical too and didn't think we should do it right now.) I emailed Mom several Compassion Blog posts, ones that answered most questions she'd asked me. (This was Thursday.)

Thursday night, I prayed. I knelt for the first time in my life to pray. We've just never done that in my family. But I was passionate about this. I wanted to focus. I prayed for God to open my parents' hearts. I prayed that if they wouldn't do it, my husband would open his heart to it.

The next day, (Friday) my mom said she'd talk to my dad. So I waited. I didn't bug them. I prayed a lot throughout the day. I looked at Angel's picture on the website frequently. I had asked that this be an early present, so that he wouldn't be gone by Christmas and so that he would learn about me in time for his birthday. That night, my former college roommate and good friend came to visit. She got in pretty late, so we ate dinner around 10pm. I had texted Mom once asking if she had talked to Dad, around 9pm. She had said, "Not yet".

At 10:53, on 11/11/11, I got a text from my mom that simply said "Yes."

Today I got to hit that "Sponsor a Child" button. I printed out the page with Angel's picture and information. It is my Christmas and birthday present. It is the best present ever. I can't wait to start writing letters.

As we left my parents' house, printout in hand, we saw the most beautiful full double rainbow. God is good. God has a plan.


(I later found out that if you hit the button, even if you don't complete the transaction, the child goes off the page for a little while. So it was my own fault I didn't think he was available anymore. Definitely a wake up call to get it done right away though.)

Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween!

What is it with my coworkers? I work in a small office off the side of the main building. There are 6 of us here, 2 in offices and the other 4 of us are at a large, 4 person divided desk. Like big table with dividers so it's almost a cubicle. Anyways, one coworker had his wisdom teeth out last friday. Today he is queasy and dizzy. Most likely it's from taking his pain pills on an empty stomach.

Strangely, I'm not as anxious as usual about it. No surge of adrenaline. No shaking. No racing thoughts.   

I know my anxiety is cyclical. I know this doesn't mean I'm cured. I'm just having a good day. It's nice to not feel like I'm crazy for a while.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Random thoughts

<p>Overheard coworker mention that her other kid is sick now. It's been a week sine the first one was sick. And then the second was ill the next day. So if the third is puking today, the bug has a much longer incubation period than I thought. And I haven't been all compulsive the last few days. But it occurred to me that there's nothing I can do right now. It's all in Gods hands. </p>

<p> In other news, friends and I went to the renaissance festival this weekend. Long drive. Little brother in the backseat. Little carsick prone brother. I slept the whole way up, but I was pretty anxious. And the drive back was kinda nerve-wracking too. As was the actual festival. People drink at ren fest. A lot. But I didn't see anything scary. And I was amazingly calm. But as we all know, the
emet comes and goes. </p>

<p>Every Sunday, on the way home from church, my husband and I drive past this huge historical mansion. It's for sale. We finally called to ask about the price. It's been empty for at least 10 years. The first floor is probably flooded. The roof probably leaks. Animals have probably been living in it. We figured it wouldn't be too expensive to buy, but it would be expensive to make habitable. The person at the bank said $35,000. That sounded possible. So we stopped and walked around the outside and completely fell in love. Went home and googled. The online listing had beautiful pictures. 5 bedrooms. 7 baths. 7 fireplaces. A 50 person dining room. The smallest bedroom is 150 square feet. I was having daydreams about all the children I could foster and/or adopt with a house this size. It's on over an acre of land and I was envisioning kids running all over that with a big dog bounding around too. And maybe a pony. </p>

<p> However, the bank must have been talking about a different house, as the online listing was $1.2 million and the realtor confirmed that as the correct price. We're still going to go look at it.
</p>

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The dreaded sick coworker

It starts with, "Little Jack woke up at 5 and threw up."
Then, "Well now Payton's sick."
And finally, "It's all I can do not to throw up."

So why wouldn't you take the day and not expose your coworkers?

My germ-x is getting a work out today.

Its been half an hour and my hands are already dry.

Only six and a half more hours to go.

But that's only at work. Once I go home, I still get to worry that I've been exposed and it's only a matter of time until I feel ill.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Today was not a good day.

To start:
A silverfish fell on me this morning. 

For the second week in a row, no one came to our Sunday School class. 

My pearl bracelet that Husband gave me for my birthday broke while we waited for people to show up. 

On our way home from church we passed what appeared to be a very serious motorcycle accident. We saw two people lying on the road. Moving- not dead or anything, but very upsetting. 

My mom and I got into a fight. Her BFFs daughter is getting married and having one of those super special snowflake weddings. I am not a fan because I think that weddings are silly and unimportant. Marriage is what you should be caring about. And you won't remember anything from your wedding anyways. If someone wears blue jeans you won't notice. So anyways mom spent all yesterday making stuff for the wedding. I was forced to invite BFF's 2 daughters and dates to my wedding because BFF would be hurt otherwise. I was not invited to this wedding. But I was invited to a bachelorette party. A "special toy" kind of party. On Facebook. Where the bride said that she appreciates her friend's doing this because "it's been a looooong 5 months". This is not making sense. I apologize. Suffice it to say, my feelings were hurt and my mom was making 90 cake balls for this wedding. 

Then a bird flew into the window. And looked dead. But not quite. Which meant someone would have to put it out of it's misery so ants wouldn't eat it. And I was upset because of all of the above. And I didn't want the bird to die. Even though I really don't like birds. They poop on my car. So Husband said to give it a little while to make sure it wasn't just stunned. It got up, then fell over. Not good. We gave it some more time, warned everyone not to let the dog out, and watched. It sat up for a while, but didn't move. We went upstairs to get stuff, came back down and it had moved! It hopped behind a flower pot, and I went outside to check on it. And it flew away. 

Tomorrow will be better. 

Saturday, September 17, 2011

ADD post

I just commented on an emet blog where the captcha to make sure I was a real person read "sicknest".

The other day, my husband woke up in the middle of the night, and his tossing and turning woke me up. I haven't the faintest idea why, but I suddenly felt super queasy. I got up and got myself a cool compress and turned on an audio book and managed to fall back asleep. but I was so freaked out for a while. I haven't felt that bad in a long time.

I've also discovered recently that I get motion sick more easily if I'm hungry. But it's a vicious cycle because half the time I'm on my way to a restaurant. Usually some Coke makes me feel better. and bread if they have any.

Lately I've been getting really bad headaches along with a queasy feeling when I'm carsick. this is not helpful. I've had to get inside and just lie down for 30 minutes to feel better. I'm not a fan.

I was talking with my husband the other night about food. I'm surprisingly adventurous with food for an emet. I've eaten sushi. (never raw, but still.) I eat out a lot. I ate a ton of weird things in Hawaii. (Greek food made by an Asian couple. it was pretty good and I didn't die. or get sick.)

I've been getting better about watching people get sick on TV. yeah, it's gross, but my heart rate doesn't jump like it used to.

I signed up for an Emet study. link to check it out.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Odds n' ends

So I went to the local waterpark with my grandma, brother and husband. Befor we left, grandma askes if I have dramamine. Then she finds hers and pops two. I'm confused. The water park is 10 minutes away, and she was driving. Turns out, the lazy river makes her seasick. So I start to get anxious. And then I end up worrying about it the whole time. That could have been more fun.

Husband and I got a fish. We named him Swarley. 

Husband and I have been asked to teach a college aged sunday school class. Anyone know a good curriculum? I'm finding a bunch for teens, and a bunch for baptists, but those aren't working so great for me. (I'm presbyterian. And I refuse to tell a 19 y/o college student to only date in order to find a spouse. That's stupid. They're too young to worry about that. I could do a whole post instead of just a parenthetical. Maybe later.)

Ok. That's all I have for today. I apologize for not being as funny as I like to be. 


Friday, August 5, 2011

Bad blogger

I'm a bad blogger. Apparently, someone found my blog by looking for Betta Poop. That fish actually died like, six months ago. I'm thinking about getting a new one though. My husband said it was ok.

Yeah. I got married. 72 days ago.


And I love it. I love him.




He's good for my phobia too. The night before his big physical exam for the police job application, he felt really sick. Because that happens sometimes when he's really nervous. I was also sick at the time. (Infection, and then an allergic reaction to the antibiotic. Which presented as a high fever so I didn't realize for three days.)

Anyways, he felt sick and I brought him tums and sprite and a cool cloth. I also didn't make him sleep on the couch.

Then, maybe a week ago, I was super tired so I fell asleep early. I woke up when he came to bed and he told me that he didn't feel good and yes, it was his stomach. Actually, he had already thrown up while I was asleep.

Cue panic.

But I found him the tums- he hadn't known where they were- and I popped a xanax, and went back to sleep. I didn't panic too much, and again, I didn't make him sleep on the couch. I even kissed him, once he assured me that he felt better and was not contagious. (Plus, let's face it, I had already been exposed even if he was contagious.)

I said "In sickness and in health" and I meant it. I remember that I love him and I want to make him feel better before I feel afraid. Even once I start to panic a bit, he looks so pathetic and sad that I want to take care of him and not run away.

I hope it will work that way for children too. Because I really want a baby. And I want tons of foster kids. I day dream about how I will give them each a little B@by be blessed lion or bear with bible verses about how much God loves them. And about the photo albums I will send them home with. But we've only been married for 72 days. Plus there's nowhere to put a baby in our apartment. Which is why we're getting a fish.

Friday, April 8, 2011

<Mobile blog>

So i'm all fancy now with my smartphone and my mobile blogging. Maybe I'll post more often now.

Here's a good one. Last night, I woke up having a panic attack. Stupid bad dreams. I don't have nightmares often, but the ones I remember are almost always about vomit. And last night's was bad. I don't remember much about it other than the waking up panicked. I put on the relaxation audio that came in my fancy recovery system that I still haven't finished, and it really helped. I went back to sleep just fine.

I'm starting back on my lexapro today. My anxiety has been worsening since I stopped taking it. Also the insurence finally got worked out. I'm going to try taking it every other day because the side effects aren't so great. (Not queasy or anything, but that super fun common one for anti-depressents that I don’t want to elaborate about on the internet.)

Wedding planning is almost all done. Only 43 more days! (I have a super fun countdown on my fancy new phone.)

Fancy new phone is the R2D2 droid. I love it so much. I am such a nerd. I might have also registered for some other super nerdy Star Wars household items. (Hello, R2 peppermill. Oh light sabre chopsticks, how I covet thee.)

And if I knew how to use this phone yet I would link you to those products so that you can experience the nerdy joy. But you will have to google them. (Pro-tip: thinkgeek.com.)

Also I got the most awesome bible app. It's called YouVersion and is awesome. (Awesome app is awesome. And free too.)

And angry birds is the best game ever.

</mobile blog>

Friday, January 7, 2011

Kids and Me

So, I've started nanny-ing. For three kids. 7, 4 & 2.5. Their mom is 15 weeks pregnant. And says that she has been so sick with this pregnancy. But I've been surprisingly good about it. My anxiety doesn't even shoot up when she says anything. Normally, even if it's not contagious, I freak out. So this is awesome.

also the 2.5 y/o frequently says, "I sick." when he doesn't want to do anything. Luckily he says it so cutely and without the slightest bit of sincerity that I don't bother worrying. Which is again, out of character for my and my phobia.

Could I be growing out of this?

They also have two adorable cats. Being a nanny is turning out to be kinda cool.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Emetophobia and the Doctor's Office

Going to the doctor sucks. I'm always convinced that if I wasn't sick before, I will be after being in the waiting room.

So today, my mom INSISTED that I go see a doctor. Because yesterday I had a really sore throat and didn't sleep that night because of the ouchie.

And I've had the crud that just drags on for about two weeks.

But I haven't had a fever, and I've mostly not felt sick. But I felt sick yesterday. So today, mom forced me to see a doctor.

Now, this is actually a funny story.

I get there, ( I went to the clinic at a grocery/superstore because I don't have a regular doctor because our insurance just changed.) and I sign in and take a seat. There was a woman sitting and talking with the receptionist/nurse. A few minutes later she was joined by what looked like her mother and teen-aged daughter. Daughter looked sick. Grandmother was holding a bucket.

They come to the benches to sit down. I panic. Grandmother notices me sitting and sits Girl-with-a-bucket as far away as possible from me. Which I GREATLY appreciated. Mother didn't look too thrilled about sitting near me, so I assured her that I just have allergies.

But honestly, Girl-with-a-bucket was still too close for comfort. Imagine two average park benches side-by-side. I was on one end and Girl-with-a-bucket was on the other end. Yes, that's keeping her out of my bubble, but still too close if something were to happen. However, I thought it would be rude to just get up and move. (Don't ask me why I actually cared about that. Blame my grandmother and her Southern Belle Handbook.)

But Receptionist/Nurse was ready for me! I could move! she asked me for my driver's licence and insurance card. Remember the bit about new insurance? I didn't have the insurance card. Because we still only have one. And of course Mom had it. So she told me to come back when I had it.

So joy! I could wander away from the benches and Girl-with-a-bucket! I wandered far, far away.

When I wandered back, Girl-with-a-bucket was gone. But someone with a hacking cough was sitting where I had been. So maximum distance from Hacking Cough was right where Girl-with-a-bucket had been sitting.

Yeah, not happening.

I found another bench around the corner. It would have been too close to girl-with-bucket, simply for auditory/visual exposure reasons, but it was perfect for not touching the bench she had been sitting on. And being far away from Hacking Cough.

So I read my book. Mom finally got there and I had my pulse checked with a finger thing, sanitized my hands, (because I had not seen her wipe down finger-pulse-checker.) and went into the exam room.

The same exam room I had seen Girl-with-a-bucket go into.

I asked Nurse/Receptionist if the room had been wiped down. She said yes. And that two other people had come through there. (I now realize that only Receptionist/Nurse and the doctor were even working there. The paper on the table had been changed. I highly doubt anything else had been done.)

I cooled my heels in there for a bit and didn't touch anything. Especially my face, nose and eyes.

I finally went to a different room to see the doctor. (Couldn't they have the doctor switch rooms instead of the patient? That would cut down on about half of the possible exposure.) She asked what was wrong. I really had no good answer. My mom MADE me go.

She checks my throat and proclaimed that I had "globs of post-nasal drip pouring down my throat". Mmm. Wonderful imagery.

She told me that there's really nothing wrong with me except the mucus. She asked how I felt about daily nose sprays. I don't like steroids and I told her that most likely I wouldn't use it. I've had that before and I was not a fan. So she suggested cough syrup. I asked if I could get a pill form because I don't do liquid meds.

She seemed pretty exasperated. So I explained a tiny bit about the emetophobia. And the anxiety. And how Girl-with-a-bucket had really freaked me out.

She thought I was nuts.

She didn't say so, but I could tell.

She gave me a prescription for an anti-histamine and something else. She told me that she gives it to kids all the time.

She also to me that Girl-with-a-bucket didn't puke while she was there.

Then, since Mom thought I was sick because I didn't get a flu shot, I asked if it had anything to do with that.

She said it didn't, but why didn't I get a flu shot?

And I managed to explain that one. But she still thought I was crazy.

This is why I don't go to the doctor. I end up looking crazy.

But the pills made the snot stop running, excuse me, pouring, down my throat.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

emetophobia survey


1. Does your family know of your Emetophobia? Yes, and I think they finally understand.

2. Do your friends know of your Emetophobia? Some. All of my close ones know.

3. Would you tell a stranger that you have Emetophobia? I have on occasion. When they needed to know that I would not be ok if someone was sick,

4. If you are currently in a relationship, how long did wait to tell your partner? Not long. Probably the first time he felt sick around me. He's so great about it now.

5. Are you scared to have kids? Yes, but I'm not going to let it stop me.

6. If you are a mom who suffers from Emetophobia, how do you deal with the struggles of your kids being sick? Not applicable yet, but my fiance says he will take care of them.

7. What age did you discover that you had a problem? Well, I only put a name on it two years ago. But I remember freaking out as early as elementary school. So that's about 15 years.

8. What type of methods have you tried to reach recovery? 10mg/day Lexapro, talk therapy, and I'm working on the Emetophobia Recovery System. Also Xanax as needed.

9. When was the last time you have thrown up and why? The last time I actually threw up was probably about ten years ago. I believe it was carsickness. About three years ago, I had an incident where I dry heaved. I'm pretty sure that was from antibiotics and an empty stomach.

10. When was the last time you saw someone else throw up? Last December. I didn't see it, but he ran into the bathroom and left the door open so I could hear everything.
I think it's a really good thing that this is seriously the last one I remember.

11. What type of foods do you avoid? Very few actually. I don't drink milk anymore because it makes my stomach hurt, and I don't really like most seafood. I always overcook chicken, and I always check it compulsively when someone else cooks it. I also won't eat any casseroles or things that resemble vomit.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Good food, family, and no pressure to buy gifts.

I am so over chirstmas gifts. My parents told me this is the christmas of practicality. I honestly couldn't think of anything I actually needed, rather than wanted. I really don't need any more stuff. So I've asked them to donate in my name to my camp. Everyone wins this way.

But back to Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving. Except it can be a tough holiday for an emetophobic. The first Thanksgiving after we moved into our new house, my brother got sick. And of course, I was there. It was very traumatic. I wouldn't use that bathroom for months. And then I had to sit at the table with him. It was awful.

But most Thanksgivings are wonderful. I usually manage to not worry about the turkey being undercooked, or anything else. (It helps that in 23 Thanksgivings and Christmases, my grandmother has never undercooked the turkey. and no one has gotten food poisoning from the stuffing being cooked inside the turkey either. I still don't eat it, but I've never eaten it. Even before I found out about the risks. I just don't like it.)

I feel like I get super ADD in my blog posts. It has just occurred to me that a major reason that I have a terrible relationship with my brother is because of how often that kid pukes. It doesn't help that when he wants to get out of something he will say he doesn't feel good. And now I want to hijack my own Thanksgiving post and talk about that. (but seriously, he throws up a lot!)

To sum it up, I love Thanksgiving. And I didn't even have to take any Xanax this year.

Friday, November 12, 2010

I survived...

...the dermatologist.

With only two gaping holes in my epidermis.

And an appointment to create two more in a month.

The doctor said they didn't look cancerous, but if it would make me feel better, there was no reason not to remove them.

But he did find some other spots he thought should be removed. Because they could become cancerous later. So I will be going back.

Maybe with my xanax though. I might have cried like a baby.

It didn't hurt, I was just scared.

But it hurts now. And I seem to have developed a sensitivity to band-aids. Those are causing more pain than the open wounds.

But I survived.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Prayers much appreciated!

I'm going to a dermatologist tomorrow about a suspicious mole.

I have an anxiety disorder and a best friend who's mom has a very serious case of metastatic melanoma.

So I've been freaking out about this for a while. But I only just got up the courage to make an appointment.

And they scheduled me for tomorrow. Which is kinda nice because I won't have as much time to worry. But I'm still worrying.

So lets all pray that I'm totally fine!

Blog hopping


Joining up to this blog hop!
I'm abby and my blog's a little random. I post prayer requests, wedding stuff and photography!
I also suffer from emetophobia and I write about that frequently.

Friday, October 29, 2010

look book

PHOTO Credits
~bridesmaid dresses are from David's Bridal.com~tux is from Al's Formal Wear.com~invite is from Invitations by Dawn~her ring is from Heltzberg Diamonds.com~His ring is from Zales.Com~Cake, bridal bouquet, centerpiece and hair are from the Knot.com~Rose & Ring and hydrangea photos are by Abigail~wedding dress photo taken by Krystal, edited by Abigail~Photo of Matt and Abby taken by Micki, edited by Abigail~

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Laughter

I laughed yesterday. When on an episode of How I Met Your Mother, a character puked in what should be a comedic manner. It was actually funny. I mentioned before that I hate when a TV show does this. But yesterday, it was funny. I laughed. I actually laughed. I couldn't believe it.

I've been working on my recovery program, and I had to write down the worst thing that could possibly happen. And I realized, it wasn't all that bad.

And how I would react to the worst that could happen. and I realized, If someone I was sitting next to on the airplane threw up, I could move. I'd ask the flight attendant for help. It doesn't have to be a big deal. I'm not going to have a heart attack. (at least not from a panic attack- I do need to lower my cholesterol though...) The panic can't hurt me, and eventually it ends. I have to redirect my focus and move on.

Besides, I can count on one hand the number of times anyone has thrown up near me on an airplane. Twice. (well, Alex puked a couple times, but he did it in the bag every time.) And that was when I was 17. That was 5 years ago. And I've only been sick on an airplane once. When I was 7. so that's 15 years ago. It's time to move on from those.

Thinking about real situations is making me anxious. I'm not cured yet. So I'm going to stop blogging and do my visualizations. Good night.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Baby Steps

Well I finally started my Emetophobia recovery thing. It's working. I didn't watch the graphic vomiting on House, but my heart rate didn't jump sky high like usual. And I'm currently watching I Know What You Did Last Summer (because I love the book and it's near Halloween.) Someone just threw up off screen with some pretty graphic noises and I just ignored it. And then I realized what was happening and that I wasn't freaking out. And now I'm super excited. I know movies are nothing like real life, but it's still encouraging. I'm going to beat this.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Fostering

I've thought about adoption before. Then I thought about fostering. But then I got wrapped up in my own life and forgot all about it.


Well recently, I've come across a couple of adoption blogs and foster-parent blogs. And my heart has been touched. And I want to do this. But of course, I have to consider Matt. So I talked to him about it, and he loved my idea. He loved the futre that I imagined for us with a house full of kids. With us all holding hands to pray around the dinner table. With us praying together before bed. Taking all the kids to church every sunday.


I used to not want kids at all. because of the emetophobia. But gradually I realized that I wanted one. Then two. and now? However many God puts into our home.


I don't want 19 biological kids like Michelle Duggar. Or even that many in my house at once!


But I've always wanted a ton of nieces and nephews. But with only one brother and one future brother in law, I can't see myself getting as many nieces and nephews as I've always wanted.


But imagine this; a child comes and stays with us for a while. 6 months to a year or two. That child is loved and cared for and taught about God. They can take that teaching with them when they leave. They can always have that love too. After they move out, I would want to keep them in our lives in some capaticy. They could continue coming to church- and maybe even bring their parents along. They would always be invited over for dinner. They would still be our family. Just not living with us anymore. Like nieces and nephews.


We wouldn't be albe to do this right away. We need to get married and have jobs and buy a big house. But I am certain that God will provide if this is His plan for us.

And of course, I need to work on my emetophobia first. I keep getting emails asking how the program's going. So far it's not. Mainly because I'm super busy. but I plan to do it after I graduate. or at least after I finish this senior paper.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

So, about this children's librarian dream I have...

I want to be a children's librarian when I grow up. I have every intention of pursuing graduate school in a year or so. I plan to graduate with my undergrad in general studies this December, then get married, then move and gain residency somewhere that has real seasons, and then start applying to grad schools.

I love kids. As I’ve mentioned before, I'm a camp counselor, and a frequent babysitter. I have to stop by the church nursery every sunday to say hi to all the kiddos. and they rarely let me pass without dragging me in for a tea party or something.

I also love books. I can't pass a bookstore without going in. and usually buying at least one.

So when I gave up acting, Mom put the librarian idea into my head. And naturally, I'd want to work with kids. And I love my public library. So I wanted to work for a public library; not a school library. My reasoning was that kids at a public library want to be there. And they have all the fun events. And I'd rather work year round. And many schools require that the librarians teach for a few years first. And I might be great with kids, but I could never teach. I don't have the knack.

But the dirty little secret? Kids throw up more at schools. Parents send kids to school when they're sick all the time. I can remember many times that there was a chair or a desk over a pile of sawdust in the library in elementary school. In fact, I actually threw up in the school library once.

How often do parents drag sick kids to the public library? Not so often. In the three years that I've worked as a shelver and an intern at my public library, no one's puked on the floor. There have been poop issues, but never any vomit. I'm sure it happens, but not as often.

However, I still worry. Last year, a coworker had a stomach virus. I heard her talking about it. Loudly. And she worked at the circ desk. And I was a shelver. Which meant that virtually everything that I touched, she had touched. And I was terrified of catching her bug. During the swine flu scare, the city installed medical grade hand sanitizer foam dispensers. Last December, I must have used those things every five minutes. My hands were super dry. I couldn't understand why she didn't go home after the first bout of projectile vomiting. (Thankfully, I only heard her talking about it. I didn't witness any actual sickness.) It's one thing to go into work when you have a sinus infection or something that's not highly contagious. But if you work somewhere where you have a lot of contact with people and you're highly contagious; stay home! Norovirus (the stomach bug and the bane of an emetophobe's existence.) can be contagious for up to two weeks after symptoms end! Even non-emetophobes will thank you for staying home and not exposing them to such a miserable virus.

But, I'm going to conquer this fear. I still wouldn't want to work at a school, but life will still be easier. I got an email from Rich, the guy who sells the recovery system, asking if I've started it. I haven't really. I'm doing the relaxation exercises, but I haven't done anything in the workbook. It's hard to take that step. What if I get more anxious?

Friday, October 15, 2010

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Emetophobia and Television

I like tv. Who doesn't? But having emetophobia makes TV complicated. Especially when pretty much all I watch are medical shows. I watch House, Grey's Anatomny, Private Practice and I used to watch ER and Scrubs before they ended. All of these shows have a decent amount of puke. But I manage pretty well most of the time. I know it's staged, which helps. And I'm pretty good at guessing when it's gonna happen. Plus, they're in hospitals, so it's not like it's out of place. I did have a problem that time McDreamy threw up in the OR. I was not expecting it even a little- and he's a doctor! He shouldn't be getting sick! (especially not in a sterile environment...) But for the most part, I survive all of these shows. And I think it's good for me.

Reality TV, on the other hand, is a whole different ballgame. It's not staged, (ok, well the puking isn't fake at least...) Jon and Kate/Just Kate is one of the worst. They actually film those poor kids being so sick! (Yeah, I turned that episode off...) but still, those are small children, small children get sick a lot. (One reason I never want to teach elementary school.) But Project Runway? It's a show about fashion design! Why did they have to show poor Carol Hannah being so sick? Why is it that they can't show any kind of poop on TV, but they can show all the vomit they want? Honestly, I think that poop is way less gross.

Should there be any limits on the vomit showed on Tv? I think there should be. But then again I also hate any movie that had "comedic" upchucking. I don't think it's funny. or ever necessary. I mean, if "nobody likes vomit", why is it all over TV?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

A little background

Emetophobia isn’t diagnosed often by professionals. I diagnosed myself about a year and a half ago when I had a not-so-great experience in a school van. We were on our way home from a conference and someone in my van got carsick. As soon as she mentioned not feeling well, I turned the volume up on my iPod, and hid my face under my coat. Thankfully, I was not sitting between her and the door. Not-so-thankfully, I peeked out when we stopped. Later, I was trying to describe the experience to a friend, and I looked up “Vomit Phobia”. I learned the word, emetophobia, and found that it was the fifth most common phobia. I found a list of typical behaviors. I exhibited many of them. I spoke a little to my doctor about it, but we were more focused on my roommate problems and my depression. So not much really happened with it for a while. I explained it to my family, and some close friends, and they were just like, “whatever”. Having a name for it didn’t change anything really. I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember. I can vividly remember every time anyone threw up in elementary school. I can remember always feeling like I needed to escape. I remember that I always used the bathroom stall furthest away from the door because I figured a sick person would run to the first one. I remember waking up often in the middle of the night not feeling well. I’d go to the kitchen and get the big bowl that Mom always gave me when I was ill and I’d sleep with it in my bed just in case.

I think I developed emetophobia when I was very young. My mom suffered with hyperemesis during her pregnancy with me and when she was pregnant again when I was three or four. (She lost that baby. My brother was born when I was almost 7.) My mom also suffered from a lot of anxiety when I was young. I also used to get really carsick because I needed tubes in my ears. I remember my dad threatening to spank me if I threw up again. (Yes, my parents spanked us. I don’t blame them. I could be a spoiled brat.) My dad is very much a control freak and I have inherited this from him. And it definitely contributes to my phobia.

Right now, I am taking medicine. About two and a half years ago, I was diagnosed with depression. I was put on 20 mg of Lexapro. About a year ago, I decided that I wasn’t depressed anymore and I slowly discontinued the medicine. A few months later, I had lost 10 pounds because I was so anxious that I couldn’t eat. (Making me 5’4” and 100lbs- not healthy.) I was started back on the Lexapro at 10mg. It really helped. I wasn’t depressed, but it had been helping the anxiety too. I also have a prescription for the very controversial Xanax. I went to France and Italy last summer and I told my doctor I needed something for the panic attacks because I hate flying. I don’t take it often, but it is my crutch. I always have it with me. I don’t panic so much at the thought of myself being sick, because that hasn’t happened in many, many years, but if someone around me is sick, I pop one if I don’t think I can handle it. I frequently try to tough it out. That usually doesn’t end well for me. I also usually carry around a bottle of Dramamine, Pepto-Bismol, and a bottle of Benadryl. I use the Benadryl as both a sleep aid, and it works as a slower acting anti-anxiety. (Plus it helps my allergies!) What I like about the Benadryl is that I can take it if I’ve been drinking. I do enjoy the occasional drink, but I never know when I might have a panic attack. So the Benadryl fixes that. This combination has been pretty effective. I would like to be cured instead of just maintained someday, but right now, that’s not happening without a little help.

Last night I did purchase the Emetophobia Recovery System. I only just started it, but I will let you know how it goes.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

A win for the Emet

Well, I survived 4 days on a boat.

And no one puked. (That I know of.)

However, my darling not-usually-prone-to-motion-sickness-fiancé felt dizzy, then a bit queasy.
So I gave him Dramamine, took my Xanax, and went to find my mommy.
She gave me some stuff to take to him to make him feel better. (ginger chews, water, a seasick patch thingy, and tiny bottle of Lysol for me.) And she offered to let me hang out in her room for a while. (Fiancé and I were sharing with my little bro as our chaperone.)

But while I was hiding, something occurred to me.

My poor sweetheart was all alone, in a strange place, feeling like crap.

And he would never, ever, leave me feeling like that.

So I went back to our room. I applied his patch, gave him ginger chews, got him a bit of ice water, put a cool cloth on his forehead, set up my laptop to watch The Princess Bride, tucked him in, and settled myself on my own bunk.

And I managed not to cry. Definitely an improvement over the last time he didn't feel good.

Now, he knows about my emetophobia. He understood how hard all of this was for me. He's been the one I run to for everything these last two years. He's seen me have a panic attack. He told me to leave him alone.

But I just couldn't abandon him like that.

I love him. And I couldn't help but think, he's never run away from me like that. Even when I am miserable and pathetic with a cold or fever. Even when I grump at him because it's too early or because I'm hungry. He kills spiders, and removes dead bugs from my apartment. He carries heavy things for me. He opens the car door for me.

I love him. As soon as the church repairs are finished, I'm going to marry him. and in those vows is the phrase, "in sickness and in health".

And the Xanax helped.

So with this cruise, I gained hope. Hope that eventually I can be cured. Hope that since I can take care of my fiancé when he's not feeling well, I will be able to take care of my future children.

I haven't yet to deal with him actually upchucking around me, but I'm sure that eventually that will happen. (But it would be really cool if it didn't...) However, I'm pretty hopeful that I will at the very least be able to care for him afterwards. Or you know, at least stay in the house with him. Right now every tiny step counts.
(And yes, I was deliberately vague about when the cruise was. I don't like posting information online about when I'm going to be gone.)

Oh and the most awesome thing ever that doesn't have much to do with this post:
In Cozumel, I rode a dolphin. Like seriously, held her fins as she swam across the pool/dolphin habitat thing. And I got to pet dolphins. and kiss a dolphin. and hug a dolphin. and swim with the dolphins. I've always wanted to swim with dolphins.

Oh and one of those God things- right now there's a tropical storm in the Gulf. Heading right where I was this past weekend. And I am thanking God for our smooth, uneventful journey. Because I had a good time on this cruise, barring that one night. And I know it could have been really awful.
One last thing- If you're emetophobic and do have a burning desire to swim with dolphins- those seasick patch thingamabobs are amazing.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

emetophobia

emetophobia passed out roommate alcohol

(anyone with emetophobia should know that I use the full words. "Fear of the name increases fear of the thing its self*." I take my advice from Dumbledore, thankyouverymuch.)

Apparently someone found my blog with that google search. I can understand how as I’ve mentioned roommate trouble multiple times, wrote a post about blood donation mentioning how I just about passed out, and in that same post, the nurse swabbed my arm with alcohol. I mentioned once that I was emetophobic, but I linked to a website about it instead of describing it. Emetophobia is a fear of vomit. Emetophobia is a very debilitating phobia and many people don’t tell others that they have it. Because many times you get fuckers who think it’s funny to mess with you and pretend to puke. Or else they say, “Well no one likes vomit.” Yes, but not everyone has panic attacks around the possibility of someone upchucking. Most people with this phobia keep it a secret. But I maintain that that only helps to validate my brain’s aversion. I’m trying so hard to beat this thing. I’m a little scared, because I’m putting myself out there to the internet and I realize there’s a possibility that there are some sick people out there who would get a kick out of sending me photos of people vomiting. Someone did it on the emetophobia forum I visit. (note to anyone who might visit that forum- the images are gone and there are new measures in place from it happening again.) And exposure therapy does not work at all on most emetophobes. It actually makes it worse in a lot of cases.

I really hope whoever did this search found what they were looking for. Because as an emetophobe, that is my worst nightmare. What if my roommate drinks too much and passes out and possibly starts throwing up? (I no longer have a roommate, but this was a regular worry at the beginning of every year when I had new roommates.) I know that I am making inferences about what this person was searching for, but I worry that it was someone who shares my phobia and was looking for help. And there’s not much help out there. There is a wonderful forum with many supportive people who are suffering from emetophobia and a few who have recovered, but I discovered that the forum gave me new ideas. I learned new fears. I also discovered that while my panic attacks are just as debilitating as anyone else’s, my triggers are not as numerous as many emtephobics out there. I can eat at restaurants. I can be around children. I can ride roller coasters. (And I love them!) I can eat meat. I can drink a glass of wine. I can leave my house. I can do so many things that others with this phobia cannot do. Oh, there are things that I can’t handle. But I’m trying really hard not to dwell on those. I’m focusing on things I can do right now. And really, I can do so many, many things.

I’m going on a cruise next month. I’m a little terrified. I’m told that most people don’t get seasick on cruise ships, but I’m still pretty worried. A big part is that once I get on that boat, I can’t get off for four days. Even the longest and most excruciating airplane rides weren’t more than eight hours. (Yeah, my little brother threw up the first time about two hours into the flight. I couldn’t eat or sleep the entire way home. That was the longest 6 hours of my life.) Yes, we all have seasickness patches, and yes, I do have my Xanax now. (That stuff is amazing. I actually slept and ate on an airplane. And if anyone is worried, it’s as needed so I only take it when I’m panicking. And I use it very sparingly because I do not want to get addicted. But the pros and cons of xanax are for another day.) But the long and short of this cruise ship tangent is – Pray for me, I’m scared!

I truly hope whoever searched that found something helpful. And that maybe I can help in some small way. I think I might write more about my emetophobia. I think it will be helpful for me, and if just one person can find help or gain an understanding, I will be happy. Because I’m sure everyone knows someone with emetophobia, even if that person hides it.

I just found an emetphobia blog too! yay!


*quote from Harry Potter (not sure which one) by JK.Rowling.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

MckDrama

OK. So maybe this is completely a dead horse in the blogging world, but as this is my blog I shall beat that dead horse if I want.

I was on reading something on MckMama's community and people kept talking about MWOP. I had no clue what MWOP was so I googled it. And wow. Just wow. While I do find it lame that people go around looking up all of the inconsistencies and then care so much about it; I have to admit that I am a little disappointed in MckMama herself. Plagiarism? And not just on a post back in 2008 like she said, but on many, more recent posts. They do over-exaggerate a little, for example they showed a picture from another site of some little girls' feet and then a picture of small fry's feet and claimed that was plagiarism. It's not. As long as you push that shutter, even if you are taking a picture of the exact same thing as someone else, it's not considered plagiarism. Plagiarism would be taking that picture and removing the watermark and passing it off as her own. Ok, tangent over. But then I saw the thing about the house burning...not to the ground....

I feel like I've been manipulated. Mostly, I read the blog because of the beautiful photography. And of course, Photoshop tips are always awesome. But I'm in a class this year where I'm learning a lot about Photoshop and I've learned things that work way better than her tips.

I used to want to be an actress. And some days, I still want to be famous. So I can understand the attention whoreing behavior. In fact, I’ve done it myself more often than I’d care to admit.

So why am I reading anymore? I don't plan to become a regular at MWOP (or GWOP or DWOP) anytime soon because, well, I do pity these people. But I don't see the point in reading MckMama anymore. (Especially since I found out she was taking her poor children to Sarah Palin rallies. I'm sorry, but I think Sarah Palin is a twit.)

I’ve been disillusioned. And I’m trying to figure out how I feel about it. Am I angry? Am I outraged? Not really. Mostly I’m just disappointed that she’s not the person I thought she was. Which I then feel silly about, because I don’t really know her at all.

Oh and one tiny bit of attention whoring from me: I’ve set up a DeviantArt account for my photography. So if you’d like, you can go there and check it out. And then, if you really want to comment on my work but can’t since you don’t have a DA account, you can always comment here and tell me how fabulous you think I am. ;D

Friday, September 24, 2010

control. patience.



My betta pooped!

he's been constipated. and since I am an idiot, I didn't notice and i've been feeding him anyways.

apparently you're supposed to fast them when they aren't pooping. and then give them a pea.

The most annoying part of this is that I can't fix it tonight. There's nothing I can do right now. I have to not feed him for a day or two. and then try feeding him a pea.

but I am a control freak. and not a patient person. I want to fix it right this instant.

I'm sure there is some deeper meaning to this. but i'm having difficulty being eloquent about it.

I'm working on the control thing though. I really am. and being patient.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

wedding plans

So. The church will not be ready in time for our planned wedding.

I'm choosing to see this as a blessing; as the original date was 4 days after my last final.

I'm still not happy about the date change.

But I am accepting that this is God's plan.

My joking that we should get married on nov. 11th so we could have a fancy wedding in my church on our first anniversary for 11/11/11 was in vain as my dress wasn't going to be ready until almost December.

The dress came in early. I'm picking it up this weekend.

Is this another change in plans? I kinda wish. I'm tired of waiting. But I'm not crazy about the two weddings thing.

In other news, construction should start soon. We're looking at april. which I'm not thrilled about. I've always wanted a fall or winter wedding. not spring. (or in texas in april- summer) the colors i've been dreaming about since i was 16 are so not spring colors. (dark red, Garnet, and silver. with evergreen instead of babys breath in all the flowers.) I know all this is silly and nothing should be important except that I'm marrying the man i love. but it wouldn't hurt for SOMETHING to work out.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Show us your single guys

The single guy in my life is my friend, Dale. He's 25, lives in west Texas, and is super sweet.



Dale graduated two years ago with a degree in biology. This seemed a little out of character as his real passion is acting. He's good and I will link to his youtube channel. (this and this are two of my favorites)

Dale has a great sense of humor and a good set of morals too. He is a Christian and he has conservative political views. He loves to watch movies, and he also loves to act and make movies as well. One of his favorite movies is Say Anything. And he also love comedies; one of his favorite actors is Jim Carrey.



Dale and I did go on one date several years ago and it was great, but we also have some pretty big differences in our political views that would have kept us from ever being successful as a couple. (He's a republican*.) Anyways, he drove, opened doors and paid. Dale believes in chivalry and he treats all women with respect. Dale’s biggest flaw has to be the fact that he has trouble talking to women. He stammers at first, but once he gets comfortable around someone, the stammer stops.





He is always there for anyone who needs him. One day I was lonely and he hopped in his car and drove 45 min just to hang out because I needed someone. He also helped me move furniture around when I wanted to rearrange my living room and at the end of this semester, he helped me move out of my apartment.



(*I don't have anything against republicans in general- but i do think it matters when it comes to dating. Dale and I just don't talk about politics anymore.)



(all photos are from Dale's facebook page.)

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Trusting in God

So I'm getting married in December. At least, that was the plan. The thing is, my church, the church that I've gone to for my whole life, the church where I've grown up, the church that I was baptized in, the church that my parents were married in, doesn't have a floor right now. Or pews. Or, really anything in the sanctuary. In 2008, there was this hurricane. And it took almost a year to get the education wing of the building back up. And we've been worshiping in our fellowship hall since it's been finished. But we're still waiting on insurance money for the sanctuary. And right now, it literally has no foundation. When I first got engaged, a month ago, everyone seemed hopeful that it would be ready for a December wedding. But now, people are less hopeful. And theoretically, we could just push the date back. But we were planning to move away right after Christmas and we want to do that as husband and wife. (We don't believe that we should live together before we get married.) So I really don't know what to do. I can't bring myself to choose a different church. Ever since I was a little girl I have always pictured myself walking down that aisle. When I think about finding a different location, I feel like crying. I’m trying my hardest to just trust in God, but I need some help with that right now.

On another note, since I feel like I’ve only been asking for prayers for myself lately, please lift little Bennet up. He was born a few days ago way too early and needs some prayers. Also S.I.F is starting her IVF process in the next few days and we are all praying she gets a healthy baby (or two!) soon. And my wonderful friend Krystal’s (no blog, so no link, sorry) mom is still battling cancer. Their family really needs prayers right now too. And a sweet couple at my church is having a baby, and there might be something wrong. They’ll be finding out soon what’s going on. Please pray that all goes well for their family.

Sunday, May 30, 2010


So to my three followers I would like to share that my wonderful and amazing boyfriend proposed Saturday.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Show Us Your Life Friday


Matthew and Abigail met when they were 17, during their junior year of high school. They did a few class projects together, but didn't really know each other very well. When senior year rolled around, they had another class together, where they sat together, but they never hung out outside of class. During the second semester of senior year, they had government class with Mr. Gonzales. Matt sat behind Abby and flirted incessantly with her. However, still nothing came of it. After graduation, they gradually lost touch and only occasionally communicated through Facebook. In the summer of 2008, they began talking on Facebook again and agreed to go out on a date. They decided to go bowling and out to dinner. After a cute and confusing mix-up as to where the bowling alley was (Turns out that there are two AMFs on Bay Area!), they went on to bowl a wonderful game where they scored 120 points. When they added together their scores. Afterwards, Matt and Abby went to Olive Garden where they shared a delightful meal. They had such a great time, they decided to continue this dating thing despite the long distance. On October 10, 2008, they officially became boyfriend and girlfriend. They've been talking about marriage for quite some time now, and she's just waiting for him to officially pop the question!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Stubborn

I am stubborn. I am a strong willed person. I have been for as long as I can remember. On the bright side I rarely give up. But sometimes I should. Some days, I do well. I give in when I don't want to. I can be the bigger person and stop the argument.


Most days I can't.


This month, for instance. My roommate and I have been having a volume war. I posted a blatantly bitchy and passive aggressive status update on Facebook. And I didn't bother hiding her and all of our mutual friends from it, like I usually do. Because I was particularly pissed and very annoyed by the loud music emanating from her bathroom. (Some song called Again by flyleaf-look it up if you like ear torture.) Since then, our "relationship" has gotten worse. She's started playing her music louder than necessary. and I retaliate by turning up the TV. And posting Facebook status updates.

She still doesn't talk to me.

But I admit, I stopped trying.

But I swear she's playing that song over and over again because she knows I hate it.

Anyways, I'm being stubborn by not talking to her. And I seriously am being a child about it. Today, when she took her shower (with the song on repeat.), she was playing music in the bathroom. And it is so loud. It's so loud that I can hear it when I'm in my bedroom with the door closed. On the opposite side of the apartment. So I turned up my TV. Louder than I've ever turned it up. Until I couldn't hear her music anymore. (when the TV is at it's normal volume, I couldn't hear my TV over her music.) Because I am a stubborn person. And I just can't bring myself to give up first in this stand-off. There's only two more weeks of school.

But I don't like it.

She walks into the room and I can feel the hostility.

I know I'm being ridiculously stubborn.

I just can't bring myself to give in.

I might be stubborn, but I don't give up on things. That's kind of a good thing, right?

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Jamie Oliver's food revolution

Dear God, please bless Jamie Oliver and help him help our schools and our children.

Friday, February 19, 2010

prayer request.

I suffer from depression/anxiety. Lately, I’ve been so anxious that I’m having trouble eating. And as I have always been underweight to start with, this is very bad. On the bright side, I have my high school body back and I lost all the weight that I gained last year when I was depressed. (Only, not gonna lie-my breasts were not nearly this awesome in high school) On the other hand, I really didn't need to lose that weight. My "skinny jeans" are even a little loose now. I'm back in therapy and on anti-anxiety meds again, but all these things take time. My mom's coming in town tomorrow because I need some "mommy-ing" right now. But really I just need some prayers. So please pray that I can get my eating habits back on track, and that I can beat this anxiety. Thanks.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Lent

Today begins Lent. Traditionally, a time to give things up. But, right now, I can't think of anything to give up. I'm underweight, so nothing in the food sector. And I guess there's always Facebook, but that's the main form of communication with some of my friends. MLIA is a nice time suck, but what would giving it up really accomplish? TV shows are an option, but they're only on once a week, so it doesn't seem like that much. Reading for pleasure would be a huge sacrifice, but then what would I do in my free time? Watch more TV?

I once had a pastor who preached that instead of giving something up, you can begin something. And that really struck me. What can I start doing this Lenten season? I can try to devote myself more to God. When I'm at school, there isn't a church around that I like, so I usually don't go. And I get busy, and it can be very easy to not think about God often enough. Starting today, I will be reading Girlfriends in God, a free daily devotional on the internet. (Or for maximum convenience, delivered straight to my inbox.)

So the link is here, for anyone who would like to join me in this.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Ordinary Things


Read This

and here is my response.





Wednesday, December 9, 2009

HP Touch Screen 600 giveaway.

5 bloggers are giving away chances to win an HP Touch Screen 600 computers on dec. 24! Here are the links. at each blog you can get up to three chances to enter-comment on the entry, tweet or facebook about it, and then blog about this awesome opportunity. (so a total of 15 chances!)

MckMama is one of the bloggers. Head over to her MckGivaways blog to enter!

Kelly from Kelly's Korner is giving one away here!

BooMama's review and giveaway are here!

Stephanie, from A Year of Slow Cooking is having her giveaway here!

And Stephanie from NieNie Dialogues is offering her giveaway here!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Success!

Wow. Talking works. Sunday I asked my roommate what was wrong and she let me have it. I was a little upset; because it turns out I hadn't been doing anything wrong. But Monday she left a lovely note for Spencer and me, apologizing for hurting our feelings and explaining that she's just stressed out. (And she doesn't want to talk about it.) Then, as she was leaving and I was in the living room, she told me bye first. Made my day.

However, today in chemistry, I learned that since the iron in our bodies oxidizes, it is not magnetic. Therefore, Magneto's escape from his plastic prison in X-Men 2 could never have happened. This made me sad.

Oh well. Life is still good today.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

any ideas?

I have a tendency towards passive-aggression. Or so I thought. When I had terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, roommates, I would leave little notes around the apartment asking them to "please lock the door! : )" and eventually, "LOCK THE F***ING DOOR!!!" I left many of those painfully polite notes over the semester. Notes that eventually degraded into not-so-polite notes and then yelling. However, usually I would ask the roommates to stop (using my dishes), or start (closing the front door when they left) doing something first. I tried to talk to them first, but I didn't see them much. Anyways I was not completely blameless in the hellhole that was that living arrangement. I'm sure my notes infuriated them. (However their not locking the door infuriated me, and was unsafe. and don't get me started on the threats, theft, and general harassment.)

But I’m trying really hard to forgive them. (It’s not going so great. I’ve gotten to where I no longer wish misfortune, misery and STDs on them so progress is being made, but I’m not quite there yet. We're praying for that.) Anyways since I am aiming for forgiveness, I don't want to rehash all the crap they put me through. The point is I thought I was rather passive aggressive. Turns out I’m not. Not even close. If they were loud when I was trying to sleep, I’d go ask them politely the first time and then not so politely the following three times.

Now I’m living with a girl who doesn't like me and I don't know why. One day I logged onto my Facebook to find this "[Abby’s roommate] thinks it's funny how inconsiderate some people can be...especially when others are trying to sleep 'cause they hv an 8am class the next day >:l" I was baffled. I knew it had to be about me, because where else is she trying to sleep? But, where was the request for quiet? At no point during the previous night had she even spoken to me or our other roommate Spencer. Once she came out of her room and flung some silverware into the sink and slammed her bedroom door. However since she is always slamming doors, I don't think much of it. If she seems upset, I ask her about it, but rarely do I get an answer. And I’m not one to push. But this status update upset me. Not so much being referred to as inconsiderate (although that was upsetting), but that my roommate doesn't feel like she can ask us to be quiet. And the fact that she posted it on her Facebook. It is unnecessary to bring other people into it like that. All it does is add to the drama and bullshit. And I hate drama and bullshit. (Ahem, I do realize that I am posting this on the internet. However very few people in my real life have the link to this blog. I am asking strangers for advice, not bitching. I hope.)

I was also upset because so far, every friendly overture I have made has been rejected. I know she is new in our apartment, I know that Spencer and I have many inside jokes after being roommates for so long, but we will always explain an inside joke. And we keep trying to reach out. It’s been two months and nothing. And she's completely stopped talking to us unless absolutely necessary. I wish I knew what was wrong. I hope she doesn't feel like I did last year. I don't know what to do anymore. I spend a lot of time in our living room and whenever I see her, I say hi or bye depending on which way she is heading. She used to answer, but lately she has stopped.

And I still don't know what I did. I refrained from posting a rebuttal on Facebook. (I wrote a wonderful one though.) It just plain hurts my feelings. Trying so hard to be a friend and just getting shot down over and over hurts. And it makes me angry. As far as I know I haven’t done anything wrong. And if she won’t tell me what I’m doing that’s offending her so much, I can’t even try to fix it. And since unfortunately, I’m not a mind reader, there’s nothing I can do. I can try talking to her, but she hides in her bedroom all the time. So if she won’t talk to me, I feel that it’s her own fault that she’s miserable. And I get angry at her for being so bitchy and posting pissy little passive aggressive status updates on Facebook. I also am starting to resent her for upsetting what was finally a happy environment. And that just adds to the anger. It’s a vicious cycle.

But at the same time, I hate that she probably feels similar to how I did last year with Bitchy and Blondie. I hate myself for possibly making someone feel as awful as I did. But I also know that I am generally a nice person, and I have been trying extra hard to make her feel comfortable and included here. And this whole self-loathing makes me resent her for making me feel bad about myself when I’m pretty sure I haven’t done anything. Again with the vicious cycle.

I’m trying to be aggressively nice. That’s been my latest strategy. No matter how hurt, angry and resentful I feel, I always give her a warm smile and say hi when I see her. It’s not working. I’m considering adding a “how are you today?” with just a little bit ‘o’ perk. Which is very unlike me. I hate perky people. Except with every non-answer, I feel a little more discouraged. Every slammed door is jarring. Every glare makes it harder to smile. And every day I wonder, “What have I done to make her feel this way towards me? And how can I make it stop?”

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Share Some Love

So today I added a bunch of links to my blog sidebar. Hopefully, these are links that you will like. One link allows you to donate money to charity as you search. Or shop. Link through their site and go to Amazon or Target or wherever you like to shop online and a percentage of what you spend is donated to the charity chosen. (They also have coupons for using on these websites. so not only do you save money, you help out a cause.) If you use my link, money will go to a camp for children with cancer. (I've mentioned this camp in several other posts) The cost of sending one child to camp runs at about $500, but thanks to donations and grants, children are able to go for just $50. And if a family is unable to afford that, there are scholarships. So this is a really good cause and a personal favorite of mine. Next links down are the "Click to Give" links. You can go click everyday and sponsors pay for things. They also have some pretty awesome shopping, and of course the proceeds go to helping that cause. Next up is a game! FreeRice is a simple flash trivia game and for every answer you get right, they donate 10 grains of rice to hungry people. They also have links to poverty.com. And here's another thing you can do to help people (although this one does require getting off the computer) go here, read about the goals the UN has set to help poverty and then print this to send to President Obama to remind him about the pledge the USA made back in 2002 to give 0.7% of the country's income to help fight poverty. The pledge that we are not even close to meeting 7 years later. Currently, the US is only giving 0.18%. Again, print this and mail it to President Obama. (If you're in another country, click here to find the applicable letter to your government.) Lastly, I’ve added ads to my blog. If I ever make any money from them, it will go to The Rainbow Connection. So let’s all SHARE SOME LOVE!

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